On tipping

Now, I can’t really complain— I work in a dive bar and make decent enough tips when folks come in. However, this is not the case in a lot of restaurants.

My friend (I’ll call her….Patty) was stiffed hardcore on tips yesterday. She works in a very busy restaurant/pub that caters to a lot of people— tourists, locals, blue collar, white collar. She’s pleasant as f#ck, not in the fake way, super-speedy, very accommodating, and she’s so cute, you’d just want to hug her.

Now, tell me why she made such terrible wages yesterday? Oh, right. Because some people just don’t tip.

If your bill is $100 and you’ve monopolized a waitress’ table for over two hours, change your mind and order more food or drinks and continue to hold said table hostage, you don’t leave a 10% (or less) tip. The f#ck are you thinking?

There’s this kid I used to pal around with, Josh V., that I stopped hanging out with due to his sh*tty tipping habits. He had this machismo thing about buying the food when we went out to eat (very caveman— you woman, I pay for things) and would get insulted if I tried to pay. What he found even more insulting was when I’d try to sneak money onto the table for a tip— this kid tipped two dollars on a $27 dollar meal. Oddly enough, he did this often at the aforementioned eatery where my friend works. Needless to say, he turned out to be a sh*tty person in other aspects of life, but the tipping “tipped” me off.

Sorry for that pun.

I told one of my regulars about Patty’s situation. We had a little dialogue.

"You know why I tip you so well, Kit?"

"You’ve got money? I don’t know." I did always wonder— she and her friends made sure I was taken care of. Which is always appreciated, but generally, I get quarter to $1.50 as a tip per beer. (Keep in mind that this varies between dollar drafts and top shelf drinks.)

"I don’t make a lot of money, but when I come into the bar, I know I’m going to be sitting there for a few hours. It doesn’t matter how many drinks I have, I tip one dollar for each drink and 3 or 4 bucks an hour. Your friend serves food and beer, she should be getting more than you, not less."

"Where do you get the math from?"

"Each of my drinks cost $4. You make my drinks right, so you get a 25% tip on every drink. Each additional dollar per hour is for the four P’s of hospitality."

I’d never heard this sh*t before, but here are the four P’s:

Be polite- to your patrons.

Be personable- converse with your patrons, make them feel welcome.

Be presentable- don’t look like you just crawled out of bed and put on clothes that were lying on the floor.

Be prepared- always keep an eye out for whomever might need something, i.e., a drink, a snack, water, etc.

"So wait— why do I only get $3 an hour sometimes? Not that I’m complaining."

"You only get $3 when you wear that stupid Phil Collins t-shirt. NOT presentable."

Oh, did I laugh.

MORAL: Tip your f#cking server for what he or she is worth, you cheap f#ck. 

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